book review, encouragement, family, Marriage
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His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

I don’t know how I missed it …

But,  I had never read His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair- Proof Marriage, until two weeks ago.  (Over 2 million copies of the book have been sold). The following is a book review.

Willard F. Harley, Jr. wrote His Needs, Her Needs:  Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, to help men and women become aware of the ten critical needs that should be met for a healthy marriage.

Harley’s book takes a practical approach in helping husbands and wives look for and provide what the other needs in marriage. He begins with the question, “How affair-proof is your marriage?”   This question provokes couples to consider the current status of their marriage.  He drives home the fact that all marriages are unique, but that there are critical emotional needs that should be met within every marriage in order for it to be healthy.  If these needs are not met within marriage, couples will become vulnerable to having those needs met outside of marriage.  Harley shows how unmet needs lead to affairs. He challenges all couples to remember, “It could happen to you.”

After identifying the problem in many marriages, and showing why all marriages should take these needs seriously, Harley describes the importance of the “love bank.”  The love bank is a storehouse of emotional and physical needs.   Deposits and withdrawals are constantly being made in relationships, and Dr. Harley identifies specific deposits that must consistently be made by spouses.  He shares two essentials that men and women, “Can’t do without”:

1) Affection for wives

2) Sexual fulfillment for husbands.

While the other needs are intertwined and important, these two needs usually rise to the top when evaluating what men and women find essential in marriage.

There are many books available to couples to guide them in their pursuit of a healthy god-honoring marriage. Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, has been one of my favorites to share with couples.  It describes a “woman’s need to feel loved and a man’s need for respect.” In his book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, Dr. William F. Harley, Jr., draws an equally graphic picture of the needs of men and women.  He thoroughly fulfills his goal of “showing couples how to restore and sustain their love for each other.”  This book will definitely be added to my “Must Read” list.
  • Do you have a favorite book to recommend to couples?   Please share.

Willard F. Harley, Jr. His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. Rev. and expanded. ed. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2011.  ISBN-13: 978-0800719388


  1. I haven’t read that one either, but I agree with his “two essentials.”

    No one in a great marriage ever wakes up and thinks, “Hmmm, I think I’ll have an affair today.” Instead, affairs happen after weeks and months of people living without the essentials.This I learned, the hard way. But God is faithful and His ways are higher than our own. I’m so grateful He gives beauty for ashes.

  2. hiddinsight says

    It is an incredible book!!! I discovered many answers for my behaviours in there that I didn’t expect!!

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